right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
