Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
