when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
