if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
