This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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