how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
