Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Can I color on your dick again?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
