My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
