I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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