I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
