i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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