I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
