He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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