Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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