I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
