She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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