you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
