I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
