There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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