I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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