then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
