he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
