I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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