we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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