I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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