I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
