I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
