I wish I could teleport
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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