There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
