I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
