my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
