i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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