**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
