bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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