my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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