He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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