He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
