I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
