omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
