i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
