im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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