Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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