Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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