News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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