I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How external is "for external use only"?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
