If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
