Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
