Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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