i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
