i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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