well I can't set my house on fire every night
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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