Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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