So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
